Addiction to Control?.... Addiction to Balance

There have been times on and off in my life when I have been told that I am addicted to being in control. It has never really sat well with me and in the last few days I have been on a bit of a roller coaster and have had the opportunity to observe the way my mind works.

I have my world very well organised and when everything goes to plan it works beautifully! When it doesn't (which with life and  beautiful children it very often doesn't) I often feel rather lost and like I am simply treading water until I can find my feet again. I fit a lot into our week, pack it full to get everything done. One one hand I enjoy this as I love being busy but on the other hand I never feel like I have time to do all the things that I want to do. I can never take the slow lane, although every cell in my body is telling me to move over and get into that slow lane!

We are on School Holidays at the moment and my plan for these holidays have been to just be with the kids. Not pack too much in, but to enjoy some real time with the kids. This I am doing. But I also wanted to get on top of all the bits that have been unorganised - house, washing, sewing, baking, garden etc etc. Many of these can be done together as a family and we really enjoy this time together. Being a teacher I work to the termly routine as the children do and I really value the holidays as an opportunity to clean the slate, tidy everything away and get ready for new inspiration and direction in the new term.

So although I am enjoying spending time with my beautiful children and planning an exciting 5th birthday party, I am not on top of all the other things I wanted to have happening. This little seed of knowledge is enough to throw my world (I know a little dramatic but that is what I have noticed). As soon as my brain feels unbalanced in its activities it goes into stress mode. This effects everything, I start to get flustered, snap, speed, and loose things (which of course makes things all worse) and this reaction from me starts a chain reaction from the all those around me. The kids quarrel, the amount that they 'need mumma' increases and it all perpetuates into me feeling completely over-run and just wanting to walk away from everybody and hide my head in the sand. I have had a couple of days in this mayhem and today reminded myself to make a different choice...

I had popped down to the shops for 2 items, a VERY quick visit. I grabbed the 2 kids out of the car and on the walk over to the shops realised that I hadn't scanned the kids as we left the house and really we all needed a wash and a hair brush. I grabbed the first item and went to pay - realising that for the 2nd day in a row I didn't have any cash or card and I had no idea where my card was... back to the car... cant find it so off to the bank..... Tilly wets her pants in the middle of the bank.... off to the toilet.... nope she has pooed her pants also..... no bags, bin the undies, back to the bank, back to the shop, first item brought... - see my point, when I am not organised I get into a chaotic mess.

So as I went to get my second item and heard myself become that horrible banshee mother "stop touching the shelves, quiet voice, come her, give people space,......." I stopped myself...

I held the kids hands took a deep breath and decided to change my reactions. Forget the mayhem and go home and enjoy my children. As I made this choice is was like the road cleared ahead of me, the item I needed was right there, the line at the shop cleared and we all calmed.

We got home, and played together, ate together and enjoyed each others company. As we did I was able to get the weeding done, clean some of the house and feed us a nourishing lunch.

I always know but forget to implement a motto of mine -

"It's not what you're looking at, It's where you're looking from"

When I remember to look at things through a calm, centred and present set of eyes, everything has a way of balancing itself out and my world feels right again to me. It is not how much I have done, what I am doing, achieving, or not doing that effects this sense of balance it is my perception of it.

So I think it is Balance I am addicted to not control. I need my world to feel a sense of balance and this comes from me being centred and looking at the world in a centred way...

Time to keep practising :)